After several years hiatus, the ELGB column returns!

Edition V3.1: A New Beginning again once more.  

Pbbbt1: Please check to see if you have received the following transmission(s). As of this afternoon we have not received the FA for them. If you need them re-sent please let me know.
Me: Well seeing as how I see no gaps in your interchange control numbers you have sent, why don’t you try sending the shit first! GAHH!!! ....Cock right in the mouth.....

Doofus1: Lets move the map change into production, but can you hold the orders and just send one in to SAP so we can verify the changes are ok?
Me: Yeah, they send in via AS2 so it’s not on a schedule, and the file is Auto-Export, I should also have enough time to SPLIT SOME FUCKING ATOMS TOO ASSHOLE! ....Knife right in the eye.....

Doofus1: Hello Mike, I don`t see any errors or hung processes in SAP, do you see any problems with Wal Mart orders on your side? Thanks,Doofus
Me: Oh yeah, big problems with the Konnectigizzoink, I’ll get to it as soon as the Whatchimaglop has finished. Oh, and they haven`t sent SHIT YOU BUNCH OF MORONS! WE CANT’T RECEIVE SOMETHING THEY HAVEN’T SENT! ....Hot chunk of steel right up the nose....

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavoured water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavoured water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy, Half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet," oh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing "Enter" Again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear "27 months." "He’s two" will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

Hi I’m Steve, I’m the sunburnt Canadian on the beach in sunny Cuba....

Printed from www.stcatharinesstandard.ca web site 
Monday, November 13, 2006 -  © 2006  St. Catharines Standard

Spectrum - What's in a bottle of beer? A full 99.9 per cent of my beer-drinking friends didn't realize that beer contains health benefits. A Canadian brewer agreed that distributing information about the contents of this popular drink in beer cases would be beneficial. He also agreed that it must be stressed that excessive alcohol consumption causes serious health problems. But he soon learned the government forbids beer companies to claim any health benefits of any kind.

It's an asinine law. The government allows food companies to promote all sorts of junk foods that trigger a variety of degenerative diseases. It does nothing to stop pharmaceutical companies from advertising medications that are often not needed and that can kill. I agree that excessive alcohol can destroy lives. But so can driving a car at excessive speeds. Does the government ban cars or curtail advertising them? This is another example of political hypocrisy and double standards.

Moderate beer drinking is not an unhealthy habit. Consider the millions of people killed over the centuries by drinking contaminated water! Beer is 93 per cent water, but 100 per cent safe to drink.

Beer, unlike many foods, does not contribute to heart disease, the nation's No. 1 killer. It contains no fat, cholesterol or triglycerides. Its moderate alcohol content increases the good cholesterol that removes excess bad cholesterol from the blood.

The alcohol in beer helps to lubricate the blood circulation by decreasing the level of fibrinogen, part of the blood clotting mechanism. The less fibrinogen the less chance of heart attack. Beer also greases platelets making them less likely to stick together to form a fatal blood clot.

Beer contains no sugar, a huge benefit to people and our sweets-loving society. Today excessive calories are causing an epidemic of obesity resulting in needless disease and stress on our health care system. Conversely, packaged foods and soft drinks are loaded with sugar.

Hypertension is another major health problem often due to excessive intake of sodium. But beer contains 25 milligrams (mg) of sodium. Compare this amount to the 900 mg in a can of soup, 1,100 mg in a quarter-pound hamburger with cheese, 1,420 mg in a chicken pot pie and 3,270 mg in a Rueben sandwich. In addition, most packaged foods are loaded with salt. All we need is 1,500 mg of sodium daily, but most people consume 4,000 mg.

Important minerals are present in beer. Magnesium regulates the heart's beat and relaxes coronary arteries. Potassium fights high blood pressure and calcium fortifies bone.

There are a number of essential vitamins in beer such as folic acid, niacin, and vitamins B3, B2 and B6. And let's not forget the relaxing effect of beer on both the mind and blood vessels.

A study by the American Cancer Society of 500,000 Americans showed that one alcoholic drink a day in middle life decreased the risk of premature death by 20 per cent.

Other studies show that moderate drinking reduces the risk of macular degeneration, the most common cause of blindness in those over 65 years of age.

Aristotle was right generations ago when he praised the virtues of moderation. Today, the best way to save our health-care system is for everyone to act moderately in drinking and eating. This along with exercise will help fight the epidemic of obesity that triggers diabetes, heart attack, hypertension and other degenerative diseases.

To prohibit this health message in beer cases is nonsensical and a Puritan reaction that refuses to accept 20 world studies that show moderate drinkers outlive teetotalers and excessive drinkers.

This health message would be an additional way to reach women who drink excessively during pregnancy. The result? Brain damaged children who become wards of the state at huge expense.

Will the truth about beer ever be allowed in beer cartons? I doubt the Department of Health will ever overcome its horror of the word "alcohol." But it should remove its blinkers and compare the content of beer with any number of popular soft drinks and prepared foods, readily available in every corner store.
ID- 271759

© 2006 , Osprey Media. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

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