Letter received today by Mr. BEEF*BELCH* (Included commentary in Italics):

Hi,
I'm sure you get plenty of messages like this one,  but I'm going to approach it in a friendly manner.

From the Internet:

- Internet Options  (When starting Internet Explorer, you go to Tools>>Internet Options.  This allows you to change the home page, add toolbars etc.  I would really like it if this could be accessible because I don't want Yahoolagins as my home page, I want it as Google.  I also want to add toolbars such as Yahoo toolbar or Google toolbar.)[uhhh lemme think....NO!  Too many dumb asses start installing yahoo toolbar and google toolbar and what ever other fucking tool they want and shit slows down.  As far as the default web page. SUCK IT UP! you only look at it for 5 seconds anyways.  Mind you yahoolagins does take a bitch of time to load due to all the flash crap on so I'll conceed 1 point to you]

- Downloading restrictions  (Sometimes you need Adobe Flash Player or Shockwave to watch movies, or look at pictures.  When I go to update it, I get a message saying that I need administrative rights to access this.  It's very inconvenient, because I need to look at pictures and download them.  Or, there might be a program I need to complete an assignment but must be downloaded.)[Boy are you sure you're not special needs??? cause when you're using a computer at work last I checked you were supposed to be, I dunno, doing FUCKING WORK NOT WATCHING MOVIES!!!!  Just goes to prove that the problem is what people are using the computers for not the network... I wonder what the principal of the school would think if I let them know you're watching movies instead of school work???  And what kind of program can be "downloaded" that you would need to complete any assignment in fucking elementary school???  Sorry shit for brain but you ain't downloading shit!]

Other:

- Installation of programs  (If I need a program from home on the computer, I can't install it.  I needed an advanced video editor one time for a project, but couldn't get it because of the restrcitions.)[Holy fuck, already!!!! What would you be doing editing a fucking video in grade 8 for??? Cyberquest maybe but they've got the Mac's for that.  And besides if you're doing video editing on a PC, you're already fucked!  BTW have you got a legal license for this "advanced video editor"?]

- Control Panel  (This allows you to change the background, change the size of buttons and colours of buttons, and many more.  It would be nice to have our own background instead of a blue background with chairs in the corner.)[All I'm hearing is "wah, wah wah" want a little cheeze with the whine? ]

- Start Menu options  (The Start Menu is the little Start button on the bottom left hand corner.  First of all, it would be nice to have the All Programs option.  When you click on this, a whole list of programs installed on your computer pops up.  This makes program access a lot more easier.  Control Panel, Run, Search, and Help and Support would also be a lot more welcoming in the menu.)[OK so now you want all the options that'll let you use an alternate method to find and execute the shit you're not supposed to be running? Keep dreaming.]

- iTunes [So what, you can update your iPod at school? don't think so... thankfully this is the one thing that is blocked properly from getting out of the network]
- LimeWire [So you can download more songs for your iPod...oh wait this is how you got that "advanced video editing software" right??? Didn't think you could afford it. Some one did manage this once about a year ago and we spent 6 weeks re-imaging systems to get rid of the damn virus... not going to happen]
- Adobe Photoshop [Fortunately we are licensed but its just too much of a drive hog to bother.  Besides what teacher would really know how to use this?]
- Nero Express [well Nero 7 is installed, But as for what others have to say..."Nero express ... on computers without burners. Genius! I'll bet this kid applies for a Summer job with us."]
- Arcsoft PhotoStudio 5.5 [at $80/license, you can buy it for us then we'll install it... but we've already got Photoshop so why bother?  I know people like redundancy but this is getting to the point of retardacy(fuck off I made this word up)]
- PolderbitS Sound Recorder/Sound Editor [Jesus H fucking Christ, who do you think you are the next George Fucking Lucas?... no I've got it, you're Dawson from the creek!!!!]
- Guitar Pro 5 [No now you want to be Trent Reznor.  Fuck kid make up my mind already!!!  Besides as my esteemed colleague Mr. Evans put it "I checked out the Guitar Pro 5 - only $59 - x 4800 workstations = $320,000 taxes in. Polderbits will add another $200,000, give or take"]
- Google Sketchup [Hunh? What the fuck is this shit?  Well its google, so its open source so ok, 2 points I MIGHT concede... MIGHT]
 
I would really appreciate if these problems could be resolved, as it would make our school work much easier. [And I'd like you to fuck off and die, that'd make my job easier.  Our job sure isn't to make your work much easier.  School isn't meant to be easy, so suck it up.  And unless you want to put the $500K into the computer budget, which would be better spent on say.... New computers?!?! quit bugging us and go kick the crap out of your brother or sister so you can get the work done at home.  Speaking of home, have you got all the COA or licenses for that software at home? Didn't think so.  Better hope that Canada doesn't start truely enforcing some of the piracy laws they're trying to enact in the US, otherwise you're liable to end up with a red brown eye in prison.]
 
Thank you for your time,

Daddy's little sperm recepticle[Name changed to protect the "cough cough" innocent]