Bong! You’ve got mail.  Ah, what a wonderful sound. Somebody cares enough to email me. What a joy. Let’s open it and see what they want.

YOU NEED A BIGGER P3N15. STOP BY OUR WEBSIT AND GET THE BUST PROCES ON V1AG4A ON THE WEEB! 

Wonderful, I wonder who else knows about my personal shortcomings (sigh, gotta stop showing that picture at outings). 

 Bong! You’ve got mail. Great, maybe this will be the email I have been waiting for that confirms the shipment of RAM that my client so desperately needs. No subject, hmmm. I wonder.

 CLICK HERE TO MET BOOTIFUL WIMEN IN YOUR AREA FOR CASUAL S3X!!!!! NO STRIN ATTACH!!!!!! 

Ach, sorry no. I am married to a wonderful woman and do not care to poke it somewhere else (especially considering what’s out there today).

 Bong! You’ve got mail. Wince, another email with no subject. Do I dare open this one? Maybe, with one eye open and the finger on the delete key.

Nothing??? Wait, what’s this? AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! 50 different IE windows popping up all over the place. Click, click, click, click!!! I can’t close them fast enough!!! (Wait, she’s kind of cute..... AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH GAY PORN, GAY PORN!! MY EYES! MY EYES!)

 Bong! You’ve got mail. Screw this, I don’t think I am going to look right now. I’ve had enough eye shock for right now.

RRRiinngg! Hey, someone is calling. I wonder if that’s my buddy calling to arrange that lunch date (Hooters here we come!). Uh huh, phone survey. Do I currently like my internet provider? (Do you realize that you are calling me at work where I provide internet to others???) What’s the weather like here? What kind of question is that, don’t you have a window to look out of?? Oh, your in New Deli. Why the F are you calling me about my internet service when you can’t even get your own decent one. Go call someone who gives a shit. Click.

RRRiinngg! Slowly punch the button. Hello? Why no, I didn’t get your email of 30 seconds ago. Something about my retinas burning out over something else that someone sent me. Not to mention the fact that email is not instant. I will check it as soon as it arrives. Click.

 Bong! You’ve got mail. Maybe this is the message that person just called about.

YOU WON ALL ACCESS PORN! ALL GAY ALL THE TIME! CLICK HERE AND START THE WANKFEST!

Some days you just can’t win. I think I’ll just open my snail mail instead. FUCK! Paper cut!!!!!!